Butters The Bean

    I was lounging on the couch watching Catflix when this bright light filled the room. It was coming from the window, so I got up to see what it was. I was expecting to see a car with its headlights on, but the light was so bright I couldn’t see. I pulled my curtains shut and went back to lounging then my TV shut off, and I couldn’t move. My heart began to race. There was this flash, and there they were; two short grey beings. They were no more than three feet tall with large black eyes, a slit for a mouth, large feet and long skinny arms with three fingers per hand. What did they want from me? I was just an above average, timeshare salesman, future president, scientist, ex-stripper, attractive man cat…Okay, I get it, I’m highly desirable.

         They walked up to me, touched me, and we teleported into their spaceship. I found myself lying on a cold metal table still frozen. There were about six of these beings now looking down at me. One of them grabbed a vial that had what looked like a worm wiggling inside. It opened the vial and pulled the worm out with a pair of tweezers and began lowering its hand down to my face. I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t make a sound. Then I felt it, a sharp pain shooting down my ear canal.

             “Do you guys want to go get blue fizzes after this?” I heard inside my head. Who said that? Why was I hearing a voice that wasn’t mine in my head? “It’s me.”, the voice said. “We implanted a translating worm into your brain. Don’t worry, it won’t harm you. It will exit via your poop canal.”

    Okay, this is weird very weird, I thought. “Yes, it must be for you.”, said the being. “My name is Arnold and they are Filbert, Henry, Pluto, Starla and Hoppy. We are flying around the universe to study other life forms, and we found you to be very interesting.”

            “How did your date with Beau go?”, Starla asked Hoppy.

             “Not well, he kept looking at his phone.”, said Hoppy.

             “Yuck, I hope you never go out with him again.”, Starla exclaimed.

             Ummm…ladies, this time is about me! I thought loudly. If they were going to study me, then study me!

              Arnold led the examination and started with looking into my eyes. He continued to examine me from my neck to my toes. “I think he is perfect for what we are looking for.”, Said Arnold. Perfect? Yes, I’m perfect, but what am I perfect for? “We want to mix your DNA with one of our own to create a hybrid! We have searched 100’s of galaxies to find the perfect specimen, and you appear to be it!”, he said. What?! I wasn’t ready to be a father!

             I felt a prick in my tummy, and then I saw it, a syringe full of my blood. I wanted to knock it out of their grubby hands, but I couldn’t move.

   Then there was this loud fart, and the stink made the beings collapse. There was a pitter-patter of feet walking to the table. It can’t be, I thought. It was indeed Fart Goblin. He raised his hand, and with his glowing finger, he touched my forehead saying “Ouch”.

                I then woke up in the middle of meadow not knowing where I was or how I got there. I thought I must have started sleepwalking. I pulled out my phone and checked google maps; I was only a few miles from my house. I called an Uber and went home.

               I woke up the next morning wondering if I had ever sleepwalked before, so I made an appointment with a hypnotherapist. I didn’t want this to happen to me again with a worse outcome. It was at this appointment that this whole experience came back to me. Fart Goblin’s touch not only transported me back to Earth but also wiped my memory.

              I have no idea whatever happened with my DNA, but I could have star children out there somewhere. I will never know.

                ~Butters