Butters The Bean

I once led an army into battle. It was an August night during 1952, and I was hungry. The family down the street were cooking a whole chicken, I could smell the chickeny essence floating down the road. I ring-a-ding-dinged them to ask for a plate, and they told me no. No, NO?! What the fudging cat?! They didn’t recognize that I was America’s favorite feline, still am. Denying me was considered an atrocity! I built me a tank with a cockroach crew and together we took on these butthole neighbors.

When we strolled up to their house, I could see them sitting around their table smiling…little did they know that I was about to steal their happiness! In the center of their table, was the whole chicken, glistening in the light. Next to the chicken was some delicious stewed spinach, how dare they deny me chicken and tease me with spinach! I looked down at my bib and noticed I was salivating. I slurped and prepared my roaches to fire!

“1..2..3..FIRE”, a strawberry went flying through the air splattering against their window. They looked at the window with confusion. I yelled, “FIRE!”, and my roaches began rapidly shooting strawberries. I could hear the children scream in horror. I left out a minacle laugh as we continued to propel strawberries. The family ran out of the house looking around confused as to why there were strawberries splattering against their pristinely clean windows. I commanded my roaches to keep firing as I went in.

I somersaulted through their lawn, right past them, through the cracked open door and crashed butt first into a lamp, darkness was my friend. I stood up and let my nose guide me. I was almost there…then there was a thud, and my head hurt, I just ran head first into the kitchen table. “I made it!”, I thought with excitement. I pawed around until I felt a chair. I struggled to climb up the chair, I found wiggling my butt really helped. When I got to the top of the table, I pawed off their water glasses and plates hearing a satisfying smash. I smiled as I felt the tingles ripple through my fur. I then stumbled into the chicken and devoured it in seconds. I could still hear the cries of the children as they were being pelted with strawberries, so I gobbled up the spinach too. My stomach was so full that I felt like I was about to burst, so I rolled over hugging some dinner rolls.

So there I was, heavily breathing in the middle of the kitchen table grasping to two dinner rolls when I heard the cease-fire of strawberries and the door shut. “Uh-oh”, I thought as I heard footsteps coming toward the dining room. The light flicked on, and there was the family covered in strawberry guts. They looked at me still confused as to what was going on. I left out a burp as I rolled back and forth trying to rise to my feet while still clutching the rolls tightly. One of the tall ones came towards me, and I suddenly felt all the food that I had devoured come right back up and onto the table. The tall one grabbed me and threw me out the door. I tumbled onto the lawn, and the dinner rolls flew through the air landing in the mud.  I yelled, “You made me drop my rolls, rude!”

My roaches put me in a wagon and drove me home. When we made it home, I smelled the aroma of tuna casserole. I sat up in the wagon and said, “load up on strawberries boys, we have another mission!”