Butterville Police Report
123 Butt Drive
Butterville, USA 32007
Officer On Duty – Deputy Jethrow Picklesworth
Location Of Arrest- Club Buttercream, 900 Club Court
Offender- Butters The Bean
Height- 2 Ft
Weight- 18.5 lbs
Fur Color- Orange and White
Reason For Arrest- Possession of catnip, Distribution of catnip, Resisting of arrest, Disturbing the peace.
Suspect was standing outside of Club Buttercream sniffing catnip while exchanging the substance for cash. He began meowing loudly and rolling into trash cans spilling the contents.
Deputy- Excuse me, sir is that catnip?
Butters- What this? It isn’t mine.
Deputy- I saw you sniffing it and selling it to those alley cats.
Butters- No I wasn’t.
Deputy- I just saw you.
Butters- No you didn’t.
*Staring at eachother.
Butters- It’s dried basil if you must know. I’m a chef at a fancy Italian cafe.
Deputy- Yeah? What’s it called?
Butters- Basil La Butters
Deputy- Hmm…what is your specialty?
Butters- We make a delicious caprese salad.
Deputy- I could go for one of…..HEY, you’re lying!
Butters- What was your first clue?
Deputy- Sir, I’m going to have to put you under arrest.
Butters- No you’re not! Do you have any idea who I am?!
Deputy- Yeah you’re the mayor, and that doesn’t make you above the law.
Butters- Yes it does.
Deputy– Put your paws behind your back.
*Butters throws catnip into Deputy Picklesworth’s face and runs off only to trip over a garbage bag.
Deputy- Well, well, well, looks like the cat is out of the bag.
Butters- You think you’re funny don’t you? You’re nothing but a sour cucumber!
*Butters spits in the Deputy’s face. Deputy Picklesworth pounces on Butters trying to put paw cuffs on Butters.
Deputy- Stop resisting!
Butters– You don’t own me! I’m Butters The Bean, cat extraordinaire!
* Deputy Picklesworth snaps the cuffs on Butters.
Deputy- You’re going downtown!
Butters- I own this town! You can’t do this!
Deputy- Don’t believe me, just watch!
*The Deputy pulls Butters to his feet, but Butters goes limp and screams.
Butters- Ahhhh, you’re hurting me! Ahhhh! AHHHHHH!
Deputy- Stop being dramatic!
Butters- AHHHHHHH! BLARGH! AHHHH!
*Deputy Picklesworth drags Butters and throws him into the police car and takes him to the station.