Butters The Bean

Butterville Police Report

123 Butt Drive

Butterville, USA 32007

Officer On Duty – Deputy Jethrow Picklesworth

Location Of Arrest-  Club Buttercream, 900 Club Court

Offender- Butters The Bean

D.O.B.- 3/15/2007 

Gender- Male

Height- 2 Ft

Weight- 18.5 lbs

Fur Color- Orange and White

Reason For Arrest- Possession of catnip, Distribution of catnip, Resisting of                                                               arrest, Disturbing the peace.

        Suspect was standing outside of Club Buttercream sniffing catnip while exchanging         the substance for cash. He began meowing loudly and rolling into trash cans spilling         the contents. 

Transcription

Deputy- Excuse me, sir is that catnip?

Butters- What this? It isn’t mine.

Deputy- I saw you sniffing it and selling it to those alley cats.

Butters- No I wasn’t.

Deputy- I just saw you.

Butters- No you didn’t.

*Staring at eachother. 

Butters- It’s dried basil if you must know. I’m a chef at a fancy Italian cafe.

Deputy- Yeah? What’s it called?

Butters- Basil La Butters

Deputy- Hmm…what is your specialty? 

Butters- We make a delicious caprese salad.

Deputy- I could go for one of…..HEY, you’re lying!

Butters- What was your first clue?

Deputy- Sir, I’m going to have to put you under arrest.

Butters- No you’re not! Do you have any idea who I am?!

Deputy- Yeah you’re the mayor, and that doesn’t make you above the law.

Butters- Yes it does.

Deputy– Put your paws behind your back.

Butters- NEVER!

*Butters throws catnip into Deputy Picklesworth’s face and runs off only to trip over a garbage bag.

Deputy- Well, well, well, looks like the cat is out of the bag. 

Butters- You think you’re funny don’t you? You’re nothing but a sour cucumber!

*Butters spits in the Deputy’s face. Deputy Picklesworth pounces on Butters trying to put paw cuffs on Butters.

Deputy- Stop resisting!

Butters– You don’t own me! I’m Butters The Bean, cat extraordinaire! 

* Deputy Picklesworth snaps the cuffs on Butters.

Deputy- You’re going downtown!

Butters- I own this town! You can’t do this!

Deputy- Don’t believe me, just watch!

*The Deputy pulls Butters to his feet, but Butters goes limp and screams.

Butters- Ahhhh, you’re hurting me! Ahhhh! AHHHHHH!

Deputy- Stop being dramatic!

Butters- AHHHHHHH! BLARGH! AHHHH! 

*Deputy Picklesworth drags Butters and throws him into the police car and takes him to the station. 

I don’t always play pew pew tanks in front of a library tapestry, but when I do, I drink come catnip tea. Uh oh, now I’m buzzed. PEW PEW PEW!!!!! ZZZzzzZZZzz…..